someone threw a dead crab at me
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
