also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
