I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
false alarm. still invincible.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
