i just wanna soil my oats bro
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
