as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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