Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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