we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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