my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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