Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
