Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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