I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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