I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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