her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
