im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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