margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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