Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
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