i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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