Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
