So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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