Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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