dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
