i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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