I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Drunk is a universal language darling
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
