dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
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