Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
