maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
