I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
