Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
