she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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