Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
