Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
