Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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