her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
