The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
