your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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