I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Randomize
