That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
