nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
