Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
