I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
