I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
