he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Randomize
