He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
