Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Randomize
