you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
