if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
