are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Randomize
