There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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