Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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