Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
